Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
