Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
