the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
