Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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