8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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