I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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