im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize