does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
