I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
