So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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