you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize