Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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