woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
