Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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