I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
