i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
