A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
As shirtless as possible
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
