hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
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