The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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