Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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