He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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