Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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