You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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