Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
