you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
