My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
