an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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