I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize