Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
