the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
