she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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