I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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