true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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