Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize