Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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