Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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