I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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