how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
