If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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