I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
as a side note pls kill me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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