every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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