Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she looked like the before picture.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
