the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
