Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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