I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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