No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
