I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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