Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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