Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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