I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
