I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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