connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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