Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
