i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
