No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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