Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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