I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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