smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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