If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
