Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All the doctor said was why
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize