matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i now understand why vodka
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
