honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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