You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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