Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
