i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
