if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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