You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
